A true Yarn for you to read, and believe or not - about Ritual Abuse, Deception and Vulnerability in a Town just about Anywhere. We name it Hicktown.

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Showing posts with label special occasions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label special occasions. Show all posts


The Background

Kelly whose experiences are outlined in these pages wanted to write her own book. Part of her aim was to make money so she could get out of the awful trap of living that she was in. Much of what Kelly did including engaging with people on the Internet, was her only means of hoping her life could change for the better, moving somewhere away from it all and having a new start.

‘The Book’ you are now reading is the subject of a deal Kelly and I made in our early days of contact. I insisted it was her book and I was helping her put it together, basically acting as a sounding-board. ‘Write it for me. Promise me,’ she begged. This was an undercurrent running through our discussions. ‘OK, it’s a deal,’ I said.

‘The Book’ compiled from our Internet conversations and emails, will not be a money-spinner. It is published here freely though under Copyright, for you to read or forward the link to others. The object is to help survivors of cult ritual abuse, particularly young or vulnerable people, and to draw attention to some truly 'Astonishing Therapy'.

This story is unfortunately not a fairy tale and not a fabrication. If people tell you that it does not happen, or it cannot happen, maybe they can explain to me how anyone can possibly know that, however learned they are. If anyone wants me to retract it, why would you? - There will be detractors. But things can improve. The chances of cults and perpetrators continuing to get away with things because they can, or because no-one listens or believes, will be greatly reduced. Principles which can be used to control others can also be used to undo control..

Many of us believe in some way that how we are in ourselves, before death or at the point of death, does have significance for us or those around us. It is something that only we can sort out for ourselves. Anyone can take my word for what appears in these pages or not. After all, it's a free country. . . This is my call to people involved in these practices to tell us honestly what is done and why, and what can be done about it.

If these things were happening to someone you know, what would your reaction be? Would you be in with a chance of stepping in, so that they can step out?

There are an unfortunate group of people who have become embroiled in accusing their families of abuse and later realise it was a mistake. The more informed discussion there is, the better for them and their families too. Since engaging with Kelly I have read books on memories of abuse, and studied some Jung, thinking I might find an explanation as to why sometimes people feel they have been ritually abused when maybe not all of it happened in that way.

A search on Amazon or Google will help you to find what you are looking for. Also see Lucela's List for background reading. Use your judgement.


These pages are the result of an acquaintance with someone I call Kelly who told me about her life and I listened. She wanted me to write ‘the Book’ if she was unable to. It is a joint effort in the hope that anyone who listens can do something however small, to ensure that no-one else goes through these things, adults or children, male or female. And no-one makes things worse for them!

There are ways to break into these cycles, or wheels. If I do not try after hearing about Kelly’s life, what would that make me? ‘The Book' mattered to her most of all when things looked so bleak that she thought she had no future on this earth, either she could stand things no longer, or someone else might end it for her. How can you make a proper Deal with people who don’t deal a straight pack of cards? How do stage magicians succeed with their tricks?

In Kelly’s past there was a degree of cultic ritual abuse involving some ‘satanic’ philosophy, but that is not the key issue. We need to move beyond that concept to reach the far shore. Someone apparently keeping Kelly involved was a woman whose path crossed hers to the point where Kelly insisted on a Deal: Kelly would not reveal personal and cult matters relevant to this woman I call Marta Smith. In return Marta must leave Kelly alone - Did she though?

‘The Book’ is a compilation of various aspects and themes in Kelly’s life. Some events described happened in a different order from the way they are laid out. It is based on what Kelly told me, and interactions I had with her and others involved. Some information on techniques and events for controlling people have been omitted to diminish possible harm. We are each responsible for ourselves and our actions, and I bear responsibility for ‘the Book’, no more and no less.

Names and personal details have been altered. Certain things have been omitted out of deference to Kelly, her alters who told me their secrets, her family and friends and other people involved. For readability, other parts have been curtailed. 'The Book' is written -

For people who get into trouble

And to help them see the light


‘Break into it anywhere’ is a phrase used in family therapy or general group work. It can be difficult to know how to engage in a family or group’s dynamics to improve things, where there are so many issues and needs, and so much confusion. Something works, things change, waters become unmuddied. But one does tend to get one’s hands muddy in the process of reaching the gold underneath. ‘Break into it anywhere’ is also sometimes used to encourage survivors of any kind of abuse to begin talking to someone, starting with something they feel most safe with, and talking about the things they feel they can talk about, moving on from there.

Kelly (not her real name) and I had made contact on an email group, where someone asked about books to help in their plight as a survivor of cult ritual abuse. I replied, and then Kelly wrote to me with a book title. When I pressed Send to respond to Kelly’s email, I realised it had just gone to Kelly rather than to the whole group. I asked her if she wanted it to go to others on the group, and she replied she would prefer not. That is how it began . . .

Web of Deceit

‘Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practise to deceive'. We can weave a web of deceit around ourselves if we wish. But why do people weave it around others?

Principles which can be used to control others can also be used to undo control

Break Into It Anywhere

On several occasions I stumbled across the woman I call Marta (not her real name) during times when I was online expecting to talk to Kelly, an online contact I’d met on an email group. Somehow Kelly and I got along quite well, sharing the same sense of humour even during hard times for her, or when I could not understand what was happening or what she was trying to say.

‘Kelly is not here. She has gone away for a few days,’ appeared on my MSN screen when I signed in one afternoon earlier than usual. ‘I am a friend looking after her place and the cats.’ I enquired after the three cats, because the youngest had been seriously ill and Kelly had taken it to the vet. ‘How is the kitten?’ I asked.

‘Well there are two cats here and they are fine,’ came a reply which set my hackles rising. ‘Like I said, Kelly is not here, and when she gets back she won’t want to talk to you, so you might as well delete her name on your computer.’ I believed this was Marta, someone who did not wish Kelly well. She did not sound very friendly! ‘If Kelly wants to delete me when she’s back, that is up to her,’ I replied, and the person on the other end signed out abruptly.

Another notable computer conversation with Marta happened late one Saturday evening, and I experienced it as rude, abrupt and uncalled for. I was still up with the computer on and signed into Chat while I sat having something to eat. I heard someone sign in and thought it was another person I was waiting for, but the ID was Kelly’s.

‘Hi, I am still up’ I wrote.

‘I don’t know who you think you are talking to,’ came the reply, ‘but Kelly is not here.’ Something warned me that this was the woman from the cat-sitting episode and I did not like the feel. I switched to Invisible setting but a message appeared ‘Stop hiding. It’s too late for that now.’

I ignored it and left the computer. My mobile phone alerted me there was an email message from Kelly’s ID, ‘Come on MSN now and stop hiding.’ Curiosity usually did get the better of me.

‘I gather you have been writing to Kelly recently,’ wrote Marta. ‘I don’t know how long this has been going on. I only just learned about it. But it is confusing for her to be in touch with you as well as myself. Why are you poking your nose into this? It is none of your business.’

I tried to lighten the situation with ‘It’s probably something in my genes’.

‘Well maybe you should get yourself a new pair of jeans before you really do some damage’ came the prompt and enigmatic response. ‘Very funny,’ I wrote.

‘There is nothing at all funny about this, I assure you,’ wrote Marta. ‘You are interfering in something you know nothing about. You will do more harm than good. You cannot understand.’

I was not about to give her the edge any more than she seemed to have it already. If I could do something, anything, to break her hold on Kelly, I would give it my best shot. I saw it as a likely advantage that until now Marta was largely unaware of frequent communication between Kelly and myself, dealing with the subject of Marta in particular. We had also discussed Kelly’s unwilling cult involvement. Marta and the cult seemed closely connected.

‘Sorry I have to go,’ I wrote. 'I'm glad we have an understanding,' came from the other end and I signed out quickly with relief.

When I raised the issue with Kelly of what Marta was saying and her signing in on Kelly’s ID, Kelly apologised saying she knew nothing about it. But there was more to follow, including a memorable episode when Marta actually pretended to be Kelly.

It took a long time online with Kelly before I learned the things that were most relevant. Anyone reading this is free to make up their own mind about what is described. In essence, I believe it to be a true account. You are free to read or not, to believe or not. Kelly was a pawn in someone’s insidious game. I learned what I could about related issues. You may not agree with my thoughts and will likely have your own. That is fine – Break into it your way, or ignore it all.

In my life I choose what time to get up, what job I do, what to spend money on, whether to go to the theatre, the park, who my friends are or who to avoid. Like most of us fortunate enough in our society, there is freedom insofar as constraints allow such as health, finances, accommodation, employment, the needs of others etc. Mostly I can do, say and think what I want to, and change my mind if I want. I can have hopes and dreams, however unrealistic or stupid they are. Who should prevent those? Who would want to?

Kelly did not have freedom. If she was required to be somewhere on a particular night she was made to go – Somehow. I believed Marta was instrumental in this. If Kelly was told to do something, however abhorrent it was or illegal, she had no choice. When she refused or stood up for herself, she was punished. Threats were made, or methods of extreme confusion used on her. I could not just lounge in front of TV knowing what she was enduring. Despite all that was done and said to her, Kelly remained an independent soul and paid dearly for that stance. Let us hope it was not all in vain.

Kelly is not the only person subjected to these things. Some details or approaches vary, but the essence is the same: Control, domination, subjugation, brutality, mind-twisting, enforced drug-taking, much of which Kelly was largely unaware about. This takes some doing on someone’s part in terms of mind-control and the sheer time involved. Read on, and you may see connections with how it all began.

You may wonder how I might know things if Kelly herself did not. She was encouraged to dissociate and could put things out of awareness more than most of us do as a natural process. Perhaps she had a natural tendency for dissociation from an early age. I believe someone realised her potential for dissociation, then learned techniques for inducing her to forget or be unaware, till eventually Kelly, who could have had a much better life than she did, had a much worse one. Life can be hard even for the fortunate. Why would anyone do this deliberately to another person or to many?

Some possible reasons are outlined here. The rest would be too personal for Kelly. Please use it wisely to help people, and not to cause any harm by denying her reality, or by imposing it on others for whom it may not be relevant.

Who Would Do Such A Thing?

Kelly had a sudden and urgent desire to plant things in her small garden. I was happy to go along with discussing flowers and bushes. No sooner said than done, she emailed pictures of what she had put in. She had spent her entire monthly allowance on plants.

‘My momi dos tell me to do dat,’ appeared on my MSN screen. This was on Kelly’s ID and a young alter of hers called DaisyMay, Daisy for short. ‘She told you to do what, Daisy?’ I asked. ‘And Marta is not your mommy, she only says so.’

‘Marta is my momi, so der,’ insisted Daisy. ‘U is not my momi. And u is not my aunti no mor. My momi dos say u is not my aunti.’ In an attempt to get along better with Daisy, I had taken on an aunt-type role to help her with growing up, as she had crucial things to say but I could not understand her language.

Daisy was having a stroppy day. She was often helpful in explaining things about Kelly and her life, things Kelly found too hard to talk about, or that she simply did not know consciously. If Kelly found it hard to talk, Daisy often paved the way until Kelly felt safe enough to write. Getting stroppy towards Daisy did not work.

‘Hello Daisy. How are you? What did Marta want you to do?’ I tried again. ‘Get Kelly to spend all her monni on flowrs. Me dos dat,’ Daisy replied.

‘Ok, but why does Marta want Kelly to spend money on flowers, do you know?’ I asked. Daisy replied cryptically ‘Me dos it, k.’ At times when I knew Kelly was going through a lot and was unable to talk for some reason, Daisy’s contributions were a vital function.

She continued ‘Yes, me dos, so Kelly got no monni left. And Marta punish Kelly for no monni, u get dat?’ Frankly, I did not, but wheels were beginning to turn in my brain which would have to wait. Daisy added ‘An the flowrs are for grave, but dats secrt, k.’

‘Ok, it’s a secret Daisy, I won’t tell. Do you know whose grave?’ I wrote. ‘Bcos me goin to be angel,’ said Daisy.

‘Daisy, we had all this at Hallowe’en when Marta said you were going to be an angel. Angel means dead, doesn’t it? Why would anyone want to be an angel?’ I was now concerned, in full alert mode without knowing what was happening. First it was a manic Kelly planting flowers, then a ruse to get Kelly short of cash with some sort of punishment, now Daisy talking about the flowers being for her grave and becoming an angel, i.e. dead to this world.

‘Kelly dos jump off dat bridg,’ wrote Daisy. ‘Be angel, rit.’ Kelly herself came through then but it was no good my asking about this as she would have no awareness. Perhaps she'd reveal something that would tie in, or we could touch on it later. It would need to be obliquely or would get nowhere.

When she next came online, Kelly was freaking, to use her word for it. ‘There are pills in my cupboard,’ she wrote excitedly. ‘They are not mine, they are all different colours like candy, and they are in my cupboard. In a candy-bowl, and I don’t have a freaking candy-bowl,’ she said. ‘I don’t even recognise it. So you don’t believe me.’ This challenge that I did not believe her ran through our conversations when anything unusual happened, or I asked a question to fathom what was going on.

‘Well give me half a minute,’ I wrote. ‘And I did not say I don’t believe you. When could it have got in the cupboard?’ Kelly thought, ‘Maybe on Tuesday when I went out to get groceries.’ I asked her ‘Did you lock the door?’

‘I never lock the door. There’s no lock,’ came the reply. Kelly had apparently lived there for two years with no means of locking the main door inside or out. This explained why she sat in the room with the computer with the only door that locked. I said that when she got her next monthly payment, she would need to get a lock. Then we set about how to get rid of the pills. Kelly had a strong urge to take them, and her hand was in and out of the bowl as we talked. Eventually she grabbed the bowl and flushed the contents away.

There was an immediate reaction from one of her alters whom I knew as the ‘robot’, one I had intermittent slanging matches with. It might not be the best way to handle things, but that was how interaction went between us, till one day he seemed remorseful about something Kelly went through, and he disappeared. I simply do not know what motivated him, except that he was a type of control mechanism put in place by Marta to report back to her, to delete my emails before Kelly saw them, or to write me misleading emails purporting to be from the Kelly I knew.

This robot called me the usual rude names, then said in large letters ‘What did you get her to do that for? You were not supposed to do that. She was meant to take them.’ And the insults continued, along with several ‘LOL’ which was his idea of making a joke.

‘Why are you laughing?’ asked Kelly. ‘It’s nothing to worry about, just the robot thing having a go at me,’ I replied. ‘I’m sorry,’ said Kelly, her usual response to things she had no way of knowing or doing anything about. ‘Was he rude?’

Actually, I learned a great deal from this robot, as I did from others who replaced him subsequently, all probably put there in some way by Marta. (During subsequent pages, there are some references to ‘protector’ type alters. Unfortunately, many of these apparent ‘protectors’ took on an adverse role towards Kelly and myself. I apologise for confusion.)

That week, there were other episodes with pills appearing in the same candy-bowl which Kelly had emptied. She flushed the next lot. The third batch got dropped on the floor as she dropped the candy-bowl in haste and panic and it smashed. ‘Who would do such a thing?’ Kelly kept asking. I think she was so phased by it that she was not properly angry. She seemed more incredulous about the whole episode, despite the many conversations we had about Marta wishing her bad things, and actually doing them around her. Over the weekend, Kelly and I had a normal chat about her garden and some plants people gave her. We arranged to talk a later that day, probably still about her garden.

I don’t know if it was a robot or a ‘protector’ of sorts who came through at the start of the second conversation that day. They said Kelly was laughing and if I could not handle it I should sign out. Kelly had been particularly depressed recently. Now, her recent prescription for medication had disappeared, and she found some old pills in her cupboard. To my mind they did not suit her too well, but she could see nothing wrong with taking them in the absence of the new type.

Kelly was using the voice mic on MSN and laughing a lot. Very different from how she had been earlier. In fact she'd been quite calm and reflective. I said that I thought someone had changed her pills around, and she'd taken one that made her manic. ‘I am not manic,’ she emphasised. ‘Definitely not manic.’ And on it went, with my trying to get Kelly to throw those pills out too, while she giggled and made jokes till our time was up. Later an alter told me that the pills were switched by an intruder into her home. Kelly had an outpatient appointment with her psychiatrist the following day, and giggled all through although not being admitted as an in-patient.

About a week later I came on MSN to a panicking Kelly. ‘Pills in ice-cream,’ was all I could get out of her. Daisy had mentioned that Marta gave her ice-cream as a bribe to do things, like getting Kelly to go to places. Both Kelly and Daisy had complained of stomach aches after ice-cream from the fridge. We thought some of the ice-cream contained drugs to get Kelly back to see Marta. Kelly hated anything to do with drugs.

‘Maybe you can just throw the ice-cream out,’ I said. Telling Kelly directly to do something usually rendered her incapable of doing what was needed. ‘Nononononono,’ she wrote. ‘My kids are home, they nearly had some. I dug down and there were pills. You knew about the ice-cream,’ she accused me. ‘How did you know?’

Earlier she'd emailed to say there were groceries in the kitchen which she had not bought. When someone who tends to dissociate says ‘Someone bought groceries, I found them in the kitchen’ it can mean that they simply don’t remember, or another alter personality did it. Most of us can’t always remember where we bought a skirt or shoes, or may remember wrongly. It is not usually as critical as this clearly was.

‘No, I didn’t know,’ I said. ‘But when you said there was food including ice-cream in the kitchen that you didn’t buy, I suggested you check the ice-cream before your kids had any. Just in case.’

‘Oh right,’ said Kelly. ‘Ya, you did.’ For someone who had these and other things happening around her, she was generally pretty trusting of me. ‘But they could just have helped themselves,’ she added, scared rather than angry. Yes, they could.

People may wonder whether Kelly did these things herself in one of her alter personalities, or in a persona which had been introduced into her functioning. This can happen but I did not believe it in these circumstances. Often I was encouraged to believe by one of the programmed alters, that Kelly was deluded and was deluding me. There was an alternative to this view - a real live other person with an agenda and needs, plus various other people, like players in a well co-ordinated Game.

Several times Marta came online to inform me that Kelly had been admitted to the local psychiatric ward, yet within an hour Kelly contacted me saying she was at home. One day I asked where she was for a whole hour Marta had spent online with me, and she replied ‘Here, crying’. Certain of the hospital staff had instructions to contact Marta if Kelly showed up there. Marta would turn up and whisper in Kelly’s ear, or take her out of the hospital for hours, which was strictly banned. Afterwards communication with Kelly would be fraught as though she was instructed not to talk. These hospital situations seemed designed to drive a wedge through Kelly’s and my contact. Later there were attempts to get me involved in agreeing that she was mentally ill and ought to be admitted.

Special Occasions

This chapter and other chapters may contain triggering material, so please make sure you are safe and prepared before reading.

When Kelly lived in her previous house, she sometimes avoided attending ‘special meetings’ on specific dates in the ritual calendar year, or simply at full moon. She went to a friend’s house, or took sleeping pills so she did not hear knocking on her door, a car horn, or the telephone with triggering messages, instructions or threats. It meant she was not out shopping where someone alerted a cult member of her whereabouts. She sometimes said ‘They get me in the mall’ or ‘They got me in the grocery store.’ Often she had no idea what had happened, or whether she actually attended a cult meeting. She also vanished from her craft classes.

I remember being puzzled that in some ways she was left to lead her life as a mother of young children, while also being required to lead an active cult life. On occasion, she apparently avoided cult meeting dates for lengthy periods without recrimination, until something or someone entered the equation to make her go back. Certainly, things escalated to a point where neither of us had a clue when she would be safe or not. Days when her children were home were generally safe. Someone else knew when she'd be alone.

Cult nights seemed to be mainly Mondays, then more likely on Wednesdays. There were occasions when I thought she was cult-free especially while in employment, until I would learn she was tired out through having been ‘taken’ the night before, returning with bruises and torn clothes but little recollection. The penny finally dropped that a special ritual started at midnight before the actual day. This explained how sometimes we'd chat on the evening of a ritual date as if nothing much had happened, unless she complained of stomach pains, bruises, or ribs hurting. When I enquired about this during a fairly civil chat with the robot, he said ‘Now you are getting over my boundaries.’

People who work with ritual abuse suggest that there needs to be a degree of co-ordination between alters, to be able to get somewhere, and also to speak to alter personalities who are loyal to the cult and its activities. With Kelly it has always been that she has so little awareness. Mostly I dealt with Kelly, young DaisyMay, and the first robot who did a lot of slanging and LOL. Sometimes I tried saying firmly that Kelly or Daisy simply should not go to an event no matter what the inducements or threats, because they knew what the result would be, and I would be told ‘But it’s not Kelly who goes.’ Daisy said there was someone compliant within Kelly’s small system of DID alters, who answered the door on cult nights. She said the person was obedient - like a doormat would be.

I could hardly believe it when someone wrote in pale Turquoise colour ‘Is there anything you wish to say before we go tonight? This is your last chance.’ Was this person the key? I thought I'd finally struck lucky. Turquoise said I had a chance to state my case that evening, to make a kind of bid for Kelly. She said it was only fair that I have my turn. She explained that Marta offered them a home to visit, security, care, hugs, and Turquoise wanted to know what I was offering. I said a few inane things about believing people should have a free choice and it was their souls that were important. Turquoise called that strange but said the final say was hers. Tonight they simply would not go, I had no need to worry further. As far as I know no-one from Kelly’s system attended a ritual that night.

Turquoise came through another night when there was a cult meeting, asking whether I wanted to say anything. I delayed a little, Turquoise left abruptly and Kelly came through. This meant that anything I would have written for Turquoise would have been read by Kelly, which had already caused problems. The next time Turquoise tried this ploy, I challenged her that she nearly landed me in difficulty with Kelly reading things, and Turquoise vanished from the scene.

There have since been a variety of people who at first I believed to be in a ‘protector’ role towards Kelly. In part they probably were. What generally happened was they began to sound remarkably like Marta, and slanging matches ensued when I called their bluff, or they simply disappeared. They could have been interested in their own welfare or the needs of the moment, or acting under instruction.

Negotiation is a wonderful skill, but I find it hard to deal in a non-straight manner, so that is what Kelly was stuck with, having grown to trust me to the extent she did. I enjoyed tying up the thinking of other alters in knots. They only seemed interested or capable regarding their given role, and in their own safety or continuation of life. Some were apparently willing to die if Kelly chose to end it all. Some said Marta really wanted Kelly dead now, and it did seem increasingly so. But these threats can go on year upon year.

One night I was talking to someone who seemed in a ‘protector’ role, holding the fort while Kelly talked gibberish and rocked back and forth with memories that had recently come through. I called this alter Rachel, and was on standby to help her cope with things she had never done, like shopping, making phone calls, and caring for the children. Rachel and I worked out some of Kelly's likely cult training, which becomes more apparent towards the end of this narrative. We believed Kelly's current therapist was involved in that training before Kelly became involved with her more recently and causing me concern. See Fruitloop Therapy, and also Did You Call the Cops? appearing directly below on the current page.

‘I can do something about this right now,’ Rachel wrote in a bright cerise colour on my MSN screen. ‘I just realised I am capable of making a decision.’ This was quite something, after her alter personality only just learning to speak. I had no idea anything was going wrong.

‘So you won’t have to listen to her rubbish any more,’ wrote Rachel. I became alert. ‘What are you talking about?’ I asked.

‘We simply won’t be here for you to have to listen to,’ came her reply.

‘Oh, you think I haven’t heard this stuff before from other people? You can’t make decisions like that. Only Kelly can. It’s not your decision to make. If Kelly wants to end it all that is up to her, but it is definitely not up to you. You have gone too far with this. It is not your right.’ I did not know where this was coming from within me, but sometimes one gets tuned in rather than missing a cue.

‘Kelly has gone,’ came Rachel’s reply. ‘She has lost her mind and says the same two words over and over. And she’s rocking, and pulling her hair out.’

‘I think I can get her back. I have done it before because we've known each other a long time. But it takes time,’ I wrote. I had been aware that sometimes Rachel stepped in too quickly. When Kelly and I touched on certain areas of conversation, Rachel would say ‘Enough of this. Stop,’ and took things on a different track or signed out.

‘If you want to listen to Kelly whining and crying and talking rubbish then you do, but that’s all you’ll get. She has completely lost it and gone,’ wrote Rachel. ‘That’s ok. I’ll talk to her,’ I wrote, and Rachel disappeared. I never spoke to her again.

‘Hiii,’ wrote Kelly shakily. ‘Hi,’ from me.

Kelly was back, not for long because the robot came through. ‘You did it again’ he wrote in the large letters he used. ‘That person had a knife to our throat all the while you were talking. We were really going to die. That was quite something, thank you.’ Thanks from the robot! All that came from his direction over the years were insults, occasional background information, and unreserved praise for Marta. He used to say in comparison that I was a one-woman joke who knew nothing about anything.

‘Hi aunti,’ wrote DaisyMay, the young alter who blew hot and cold. ‘U sav my lif. Dat person had nif at Kelly frot. Aunti, fank u.’

‘Hi Daisy. Are you OK? What happened?’ I replied. ‘Dat person mean, reely mean. She try kil Kelly an me wiv nif at frot. We got marks.’ Daisy left and Kelly returned.

'Why is there a mark on my throat?’ she asked. ‘I just looked in the mirror and my throat is marked.’ Kelly had no recollection. All I knew was what Daisy and the robot said, plus recent suspicions of Rachel’s intentions to kill the body, which was mostly Kelly’s at this time.

By Lammas, the festival around 31st July/1st August, things for Kelly were more critical. Some nights I was unavailable on the computer, and Marta apparently took advantage to do deep hypnotic work with Kelly, far beyond anything I was aware of or could counter with words over the Internet.

Some years, Lammas had not featured much in Kelly’s calendar. She seemed to get through the summer largely unscathed, until Hallowe’en reared its head in October and there was trouble till the end of May. This year, it was Rachel who warned me to be wary of Lammas. Kelly sometimes alerted me to what was said during Marta’s indoctrinations. It would came out in a rush of pages of cryptic spelling, with no conscious awareness of imparting it, but a desperate need to inform me. Regarding Lammas it was Marta saying: ‘You are trash, you hear me? You had better be dead before Lammas, or I will make sure you are then. You must walk into the flames. Hell is too good for you. Walk through the flames towards the light. That will be the end for you and it will all be over.’ See the end of this Chapter regarding the word ‘trash’.

Kelly’s health was in a serious condition, and I wondered how long it could be before her body simply gave up living, or she might collapse and get taken to hospital. Now there were the Lammas threats. I tried to be available online when I felt Kelly would be vulnerable to being taken to the cult meeting, but this time she was taken from her home earlier. She returned with no knowledge of having attended the cult, and there was never any point in my asking.

After our MSN session the night after Lammas, Kelly signed out in a reasonable frame of mind and I breathed with relief. Wrong again. There was an urgent email from Kelly in the early hours next morning. ‘There are flames, people running everywhere, people having sex with each other. Help me please.’ I replied initially saying that I thought this was probably not real, that for some reason she had been told about these things, or was seeing them in her mind’s eye as she tried to relax. It sounded like the awful awake-dreams she often had.

‘It’s real,’ she replied. ‘And there are ropes and I am meant to hang myself. I am rubbish, trash. And everyone is watching me. And it’s real. It’s from last night. They are memories.’ Kelly had survived that Lammas, and was alive to tell the tale. Once again, the deadline for the end of her life had proved false. What was this stuff, and why perpetuate it as Marta and the cult did?

Notes regarding ‘trash’

The words ‘trash’ and ‘garbage’ featured frequently in conversations with Kelly. When I first came in contact with her and knew little about her circumstances, the young alter Daisy told me that Kelly drove to the garbage dump. That was where she felt she belonged because that’s what she was, ‘garbage’.

Did You Call The Cops?

I was away earlier in the week using a laptop which froze, and downloaded software while Kelly waited. The mobile phone alerts packed up working. Marta or an alter on her behalf, was blocking emails from another account I set up, and it was back to square one. Communication between Kelly and myself was fraught, with Kelly asking searching questions about her life and what she could do to help herself.

Over the following weekend I took a day out from Kelly and the horrific things I was hearing. The email situation was OK, the phone alerts were working, and there was no message from Kelly until my return journey. ‘Did you call the cops?’ she asked.

‘No, I would not do that. Why? I will be back in an hour for MSN,’ I texted, glad I could communicate this way. When I was 15 minutes from home there was another email alert, ‘I have to drive the car. The cops are coming. I have to leave.’ Later that evening Kelly returned to her home and we tried to sort out what happened.

‘You called the cops. You said I would get into trouble over all those emails last week,’ she accused me.

‘You did not write those emails. It was that robot alter. I got mad at him,’ I replied. The robot part of Kelly’s system had jammed my email box with 200 emails.

‘Well the cops were coming and I had to drive.’ Here I would remind readers that Kelly was an intelligent woman with a degree, bringing up her children as normally as she was able, doing a good job of it in appalling circumstances.

‘Aunti,’ wrote Daisy who often knew more about things than Kelly. ‘When cops come, Kelly always leaves house. K.’ Gradually things fell into place from other episodes. One way to get Kelly out of her house and available to the cult was to get her scared. The fear would settle in one of a few ways, instilled into her as the only options. Kelly would feel an absolute urge to leave her home, then would be picked up by the cult. Or she felt compelled to go to Marta's home believing it safe. The robot alter had said everything was about control.

I do not believe all of the police in the area were corrupt or in the cult, but some were asked to drive by Kelly’s house. Many times she said there was a police car outside when Marta or the cult were agitating for Kelly’s physical or mental deterioration or demise. On other occasions Kelly felt compelled to admit herself to hospital. Sometimes when in a severe panic or manic state, Kelly was not admitted to hospital. Other times she was easily admitted, then suddenly released home when she seemed in no fit state to cope.

As Daisy put it, ‘U say get help. Who dos we call? Cops no good, hosptal bad. Wher we go aunti? Who we gonna tell? Nobodi dos nuffin.’

One of the problems with accounts of ritual abuse like Kelly’s, is that she has been basically very consistent in what she says. Then it all becomes too much for her to think of as reality, so she prefers to believe it was just a dream that could not happen. Regarding threats of death and other things, these are indeed an effective method of control. They make people look foolish or lying if they tell other people about them in a bid to get them examined.

Regarding things that cult members like Kelly do recall and talk about, there are other factors involved such as subterfuge, mind-twisting, the difficulty of telling fact from fantasy. When I said to Kelly ‘Sooner or later the cult will make a big mistake and we will all get to hear about it, she replied simply ‘People who make mistakes, pay other people to cover up those mistakes.’

All Over Now?

Kelly had been online on the Monday evening and we managed to prevent her driving her car. It was hard to tell exactly what happened on such occasions. Daisy would say ‘Abodi dos driv dat car’ which seemed to mean another alter drove.

Neither Kelly nor ‘abodi’ drove on that Monday evening. The next night we chatted on MSN, and I was later flooded with emails from Daisy alerting me that something was wrong. Eventually Kelly came through. Something sounded urgent and serious. There was one email in my inbox which had not come through on the alerts. ‘Please, please can you come on MSN now.’

‘I did all you said. I tried and I tried, and I feel myself going,’ pleaded Kelly. What happened next had happened before but not to a great extent. Younger alters from Kelly’s past vied for my attention which disengaged Kelly. The present was no threat for the youngsters, who felt no need to leave the house. They could not be influenced by the triggering emails or threats.

The following evening, Daisy wrote sadly, ‘My momi no want to see me. Her no come no mor. Her no lik me.’

‘I’m sure Marta will see you,’ I replied, not knowing what had happened. ‘You did it, we won,’ said Kelly excitedly. ‘It’s over.’

‘Not really. You did most of it, and I was just here,’ I replied. ‘No, it’s really over,’ she said.

A new ‘protector’ intervened: ‘There was a telephone call from Marta today that she no longer wishes to see Kelly, and all Kelly’s obligations to the cult are over.’

What had I missed? ‘Sorry, I don’t understand. Kelly and I were online half the night. What happened?’

‘You won,’ he replied. ‘It is over now. Marta will not be back.’ I tried to think back, and we continued like this for a while with my still not understanding. ‘U did it aunti, but me no see momi no mor,’ wrote Daisy sadly.

The new ‘protector’ whom I later came to think of as Wilf continued. ‘There are some things you need to remember. You must not lie to Kelly. She must get rid of the red ring. There will be spiders in the house and she must kill them. You must be patient with the little one Daisy and not push her down. She will fade with time. All others are gone. It is over.’

Rings set with a red stone featured through my dealings with Kelly. She recalled people wearing them during cult meetings, as well as having one herself.

Gradually things in Kelly’s life began to return to normal, she managed to eat a little, her thought processes cleared, she attended her children’s events again, and we breathed a sigh of relief. Kelly voiced concerns that she'd been here before with thinking it was over, but things were much better. So it seemed.

On the Saturday, Kelly went out with her children and we spoke briefly. On Sunday she was disinclined to say much. By Monday, Kelly, Daisy and myself were all uneasy. Wilf, the new ‘protector’ came through with further instructions for me, including that it would take time for Kelly to adjust, and there would be memories but that's all they would be. However, he said, I should not have much contact, leaving Kelly to cope more alone. I am the first person to encourage independence, but I grew suspicious of Wilf's motivation.

‘How did you know there would be spiders?’ I asked. ‘And who are you to tell me what I must do regarding Kelly?’ Wilf replied ‘OK, I can’t tell you what to do. I can only ask. But have I been wrong about anything yet, like the spiders?’ Kelly had complained of them in her house.

‘I wonder why that is,’ I challenged him. ‘When you speak to Marta, give her my regards.’

‘I am sorry to disappoint you,’ he replied. ‘I have no communication with Marta. I simply tell you what you should do. You don’t trust me. But just remember the red ring. Kelly must get rid of it.’

‘There are now three of us suspicious about this whole thing,’ I said. ‘Kelly, Daisy and myself. So do you like your new job, your promotion?’ From then on communication with Wilf went downhill. I thought of him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but he occasionally said something useful during the terrible times ahead. I have no idea if he is still there with some cult-relevant role.

Late one night I had an emergency email from Kelly not preceded by alerts from Daisy. ‘I am not home’ wrote Kelly from her Hotmail address instead of her usual one. She was signed in on MSN on someone else’s computer, as happened before. ‘Can you come on MSN?’ she asked urgently. ‘No' I replied. 'Can we do emails please? We can do it that way. We have before.’

We exchanged some frantic emails, myself using a text phone for prompt replies, also logging in on a more robust mobile. Marta sent me four lines of a poem, leading me to believe that Kelly’s life was indeed in danger, not from her giving up the ghost and committing suicide - although that was how it would look to anyone. This looked like a direct threat to Kelly’s life.

‘You just showed your part in all this. Big mistake. It’s not too late to retract.’ I replied to the spooky email address Marta was using.

All through my communications with Kelly, there was a theme that Marta did not exist in reality, that everything Kelly believed and said about Marta was based on delusion, confusion, dissociation or psychosis. Gradually, each robot or ‘protector’ alter put in place said the same: ‘There’s no Marta at all’ and ‘Turn off that phone.’

‘Help me, please. It’s me Kelly. What do I do? Please, please come on MSN,’ begged Kelly.

‘Just pray for what is right and just for yourself, and for all the others who are with you. What is happening is wrong.’ I named the younger versions of Kelly whom she did not consciously know, but I felt Marta would. ‘I can’t come on MSN in these circumstances. It is not good. I am sorry.’

What happened next was a surprise. ‘Where do I go?’ asked Kelly urgently.

‘Sorry, I don’t understand,’ I replied cautiously, liking this less by the minute. I actually thought she was asking if she would go to heaven or hell, such was the the scene in my mind. ‘No. Where do I go? She’s giving me money and someone’s car. I can go.’

‘Is your car there?’ I wondered if Kelly had been persuaded to drive to Marta’s in her own car. ‘No. Someone else’s. I can have it. But I’m not going home. Motel room?’

‘If I make any suggestions, someone else will read them,’ I replied and Kelly’s emails stopped for the night. When we resumed contact, she was literally on the run. Daisy said Marta suddenly stopped with a huge knife at Kelly’s throat. I wondered if something I did had changed anything. It turned out that when I mentioned praying for what was right and just, and Kelly’s younger parts, Marta stopped and offered Kelly money and the use of someone’s car. High drama, or what?

Kelly spent a horrendous week on the streets, doing MSN with me from cafes with Internet. When she returned home after the weather turned wet and she was soaked through, her computer had been moved to a different room, food was in the kitchen, a CD with triggering songs which she had pawned was by her computer. All her light bulbs were missing. Any one of these would be scary. I engaged with other alters who were unaware of the situation, and were not scared of the dark like Kelly.

Daisy said triumphantly ‘I smashed dat CD aunti, I brok it.’

And there was a police car parked outside. I have no idea what this whole episode was about.

Kelly once used a computer in someone else's house, being told to say goodbye to me, and said I must say goodbye but I delayed. When Marta came in the room, Kelly messaged she was hurting her, and suddenly my computer crashed and I lost connection. Three years later I learned that the reason for leaving Kelly in a room with nothing but a computer, was to demonstrate that no-one including me could save her.

Marta was apparently furious and tried to get round me by saying she was not a monster, she would not hurt people, and could we not become friends? She said we could all sign in on MSN and she could 'verify' what Kelly was telling me. I emailed Marta that anything Kelly said to me was confidential, and Marta’s suggestion was preposterous. Marta made Friend requests to me on MSN. Eventually I accepted and immediately blocked her from seeing me online. I could watch her signing in, often from outside Kelly's house where she sat in her vehicle sending messages from a phone or laptop.

Later Marta emailed that I could either work with her, or against her. I did not know at that time that Marta was a bully to Kelly to anything like the extent she was, and Kelly paid the price for my bravado. When I joked that I would sort Marta out. Kelly begged me not to frighten her with such remarks.

‘Does Marta hurt you when I send her a rude email?’ I asked. ‘Yes, she does,’ replied Kelly.

‘But I asked you before if she did, and you said no.’ ‘I don’t know,’ came the reply. ‘Ever since I became this sort of slave-thing to her, I suppose.’

I thought back to my curiosity relating to food Kelly said someone left, that she had not bought and could not cook. There was petrol in Kelly’s car when she needed it, at times when she had no money or credit on her cards. Plants appeared in Kelly’s garden, some triggering for her because of the colours and names. Saturday evenings seemed a time when Marta was around more than previously, perhaps because Kelly’s children were now discouraged from being home. Kelly lost track of the usual TV programmes she used to mention.

Basically, Kelly was unaware of links and activities going back many years. Somehow Marta managed to keep Kelly’s awareness and alter personalities in tight compartments, with some parts totally inaccessible and little seeping through to Kelly. I had known Kelly for four years, and wondered what else I did not know. Kelly was not the main person in the system, having arrived a long time ago during a crisis, yet having close connections to Caitlin the original host-person.

Caitlin was not present when I first came in contact with Kelly. Then Caitlin returned and interacted with me for some months, saying her goodbyes when everything became too much. Kelly resumed and became subjected to the totally inhuman and complex practices which form a substantial part of ‘the Book’. It is small wonder that Caitlin left again.

Proprietary Rights


Briefly, our heroine, known for the most part and presenting to the world as Kelly, tended to some degree of dissociation and discontinuity in her moods, awareness and memories – as do most of us in some ways and to some extent. Kelly and I met on an email group several years previously and got to know each other. To begin with, I often found myself talking to DaisyMay, a young 5-year old alter who acted in a protective role towards Kelly, way beyond her apparent 5 years. This was a constant 5-year age, she grew no older in that respect and had apparently been around for a long time.

There was also a personality part/alter, who interpreted on behalf of Kelly and gave useful background information, and this person I call Nolly. And there was the host-person named Caitlin, who sometimes found her life so hard to engage with that she disappeared from the scene for months, returning with no awareness of what happened in the interim. Although Kelly had some awareness of Caitlin, this process did not work the other way around.

In Kelly’s past there was a degree of cultic ritual abuse involving some ‘satanic’ philosophy, in amongst many other things. People’s ideas about this vary, but that is not the key issue and we need to move on with this. One of the main people apparently keeping Kelly involved with the cult they were in, was a woman of many years’ acquaintance. This woman’s path had crossed hers to the point where Kelly insisted on a Deal: that Kelly would not reveal personal and cult matters relevant to Marta Smith, not her real name, who in return must leave Kelly alone.

When Hallowe'en came along, Marta tried once more to involve Kelly in cult activity despite the Deal, and Daisy the 5-year old was told to say goodbye to me for ever. Kelly did keep away from Marta and the cult following the Deal, sometimes despite an inner compulsion to return. But during the weeks following Hallowe’en Kelly and I struggled in our conversations, often at odds instead of working together as we had. Nolly, the ‘interpreter/protector’ part of Kelly, intervened in a valiant attempt to mediate, but this was fraught with Nolly experiencing anger and upset towards me.

Caitlin, the original birth and host-person, had put in recent brief appearances, and she now seemed to want to contact Marta. I envisaged all the work, pain and suffering that Kelly had been through, going down the drain in an instant. I tried to hold Caitlin’s attention sufficiently to give a brief outline, and indicated it would be better if she held off taking any steps for a while. Caitlin found it too hard to understand why Marta had contacted me regarding the Deal, or that Marta would tell me Caitlin/Kelly were in a mental hospital when clearly they were not.

Whereas Kelly had some conscious awareness regarding attending the cult, Caitlin did not, so for her it simply did not exist. Now Caitlin was putting all within their DID system at risk, not just of Marta and her controlling ways, but also of getting caught up again in cult activities which did not fit their ideology.

There’s no need to worry if it all seems confusing, because it’s easy to pick up. I just described things in a nutshell.

Return of a Friend

I was playing a word game online with young Kate, a version of Caitlin the host-person. Most of us have several personae - even plenty of them - but some people split them off more than usual, with little or no conscious awareness between them. I mean no disrespect to Caitlin or Kelly or anyone described in these pages, nor to you or anyone you know. We are all different, we do or we like different things, and we handle things differently. At some level we are pretty much the same. It is a matter of degree or mode how much we differ, or how we sort things through in our minds.

Little Kate aged 5 had trouble guessing a word from the blanks I put on the screen, and I was trying to explain about guessing vowels first. Kate appeared 6 weeks ago on the same night Daisy said goodbye to me and disappeared. Daisy was also aged 5 but different in nature and role. She was feisty and logical, whereas Kate wailed for her mom and liked puzzles.

‘I think Daisy is back’ wrote Nolly. ‘Do you want to talk to her?’ Nolly's main role was interpreting what Kelly was thinking or feeling. Kelly herself found that too difficult sometimes, or else I did not always pick up on cues. ‘Sure’ I replied. ‘But I thought little Kate and Daisy could not both be around at the same time.’

‘That never did make sense to me’ said Nolly who usually turned out to be right. I had been told that Daisy had to say goodbye to me to let little Kate through, and if I nurtured Kate great things would happen. I tried, and they did not seem to. Caitlin the host-person sometimes came through briefly after Kate, but she seemed to have no stamina.

‘Hi aunti’ appeared on my screen. Daisy had given me the auntie title, and I made futile attempts to help her grow, and write so that I could understand. She had a protective role towards Kelly, fronting for her on difficult days. She was not like many of the Little alters that people describe in their systems, and did not want to play with other Littles.

‘Hi Daisy, are you OK?’ I wrote. 'You know that night you said goodbye, I was told that little Kate could not be there as well as you.’

‘Her draws picturs, dat Kate,’ wrote Daisy. ‘Abodi told me I must say bye and nevr talk to u agin’ explained Daisy. ‘And I cry and cry.’

‘Oh, that’s sad. Were you a long way away?’ I asked. ‘At first, den not far,’ Daisy replied. ‘Did you know Caitlin came back?’ I wanted to know.

‘Me knows aunti’ wrote Daisy. ‘Caitlin worse now. Her sicker dan Kelly now.’

It was difficult for me to get a handle on whether Caitlin really wanted to be back, or was able to, or should be given every chance as the host persona. Kelly came along to help years before and the two had combined roles, getting through exams and bringing up the children. Now Caitlin had no awareness of recent events, which could cause problems.

‘Me no want Caitlin back’ wrote Daisy. ‘Me come back soon as I could aunti, soon as me know.’

‘Well that’s good Daisy’ I wrote. ‘We can work some things out when we know more. Only we can’t do it all at once. We’ll see what’s happening and then we’ll know what to do.’

Big words. Big hopes. Big lies? It's all too easy to get drawn into situations where people beg for someone to say they will help, and where big wrongs are perpetrated on vulnerable people. Kelly/Caitlin/Daisy were not the only ones going through personal or cult manipulation. I was told by various robot types within the system, when I got them rattled and talking, that the main aim was control, pure and simple, and that other vulnerable women in the area were undergoing it too and with a high suicide rate.

Proprietary Rights

Most of us like to feel in some control over our own lives, even if that is a feeling rather than reality. It’s like driving a car to a destination, where we take in places en route, but are heading somewhere in particular. If we have various parts of our personality not in accord with that destination, the ride may not be straightforward, or other parts may take a back seat. Another day, another alter may be in a real or moral position to take over. The analogy was apt for Kelly, in that she would find herself driving to places she would not consciously go to or wish to.

With people who tend to dissociate as a way of handling their lives and different situations, it can become difficult when there is conflict or confusion. An outside person involved may find it hard to work out what is going on, possible reasons, what aspects to try to help with or discourage. Our own rules for behaviour may not apply. Some therapists or supporters in this situation believe in the concept of integration, but many people who dissociate find this inappropriate or even harmful. Being able to utilise dissociation is a survival mechanism that works for them. Other people can only do their best to help.

There are different schools of thought about whether one should encourage people to remember certain events in their lives, or even force this. However much it appears to be in someone’s interests to be aware of something, I tend towards a gentler approach, the ethos that one does not take away people’s defences which are their very means of survival. The idea is to promote a safe enough situation for some things to come through when they are ready and can be handled. Other practitioners work differently, and so long as it suits their clients that is fine. That is the punchline - so long as it suits their clients.

What does one do if someone else in a client’s life is being cruel, manipulating their mind and actions, telling them untruths, obliterating memories that they might need? The list goes on and comes under a general heading of mind control. It is subversive and does not allow the client or survivor to make up their own mind in their own way, or to change it if they want to. The result can be that the client is not the person living their life, but someone else does it by proxy. Someone, whether a manipulative individual or a cult, a family or society in general, has undue influence over the client or survivor. It is not easy to pinpoint, because it happens below conscious threshold. Someone else holds invisible reins. If they were visible it would be easier to explain, and to show to the individual and to other people what is happening.

Many cultures and societies place great emphasis on family history, the ancestors, family values of parents being passed to their children in myriad ways, seen and unseen. People take a pride in these things, but like anything else they can be taken to extremes. Because children are small and do not have the words or experience to express themselves against adults around them, many children find it hard to be accepted for who they are. Adults who have children may not remember their own childhood, or cannot perceive the world through children’s eyes, so they take a default position of feeling they know what is best. Most of us can see and realise it to some extent, but when it is particularly subversive, because of psychological needs which are not recognised, the problems are more extreme.

Where there are cultic organisations or personalities using psychological, psychotherapeutic or psychoanalytic theory to control other people, the problem for individuals is much greater, and it becomes harder to break away. This demonstrates some problems relevant to Kelly and Caitlin, in terms of what each may have needed, or need now. Kelly wanted to stay away from a controlling person Marta, and from the cult, having been through months of terrible experiences and recalling some from the past. Caitlin felt guilty about resisting Marta, wanting reassurance and comfort from her, and having no awareness about a cult. Denial is a natural defence mechanism in human beings. I don't see that one can call it denial when there just is no awareness - for whatever reason.

Awareness and memories of cult involvement were deliberately blurred or blocked by someone else, not within the DID system but utilising dissociation to achieve the goal. Many ‘protector’ alters seemed to do a grand job. Within a few weeks or just days, they sounded like a mini-version of Marta. If I challenged them they disappeared, and I never knew if they'd served a useful purpose that I spoiled. Marta was a form of handler or controller to them. Sometimes she seemed to want proprietary rights over their DID system, like some inner psychological need of her own. Perhaps it was envy, projection, or territorial.

When Marta realised I'd known Kelly for several years and learned things, she tried ploys for me to give up, saying Kelly was in hospital and would not be back for so long I should delete her as a contact. Each time, Kelly contacted me within an hour to say she had not been to hospital. Another tactic was for Marta to hypnotise Kelly to convince her I was going on vacation and would not speak to her, or my husband hated Kelly and wished her harm. This last example helped Kelly to see that what she was being told was unlikely.

I was told several times that Marta had given up and would have nothing further to do with Kelly, which upset Daisy who was sure Marta was her mommy. Within a week Marta would be back and we grew sceptical. Those telling me that Marta had gone were the ‘protectors’. Another ploy was for the robot or ‘protective’ alters to get me off the computer, and stop the email alerts that would enable me to act swiftly.

A ‘protector’ whom I call Peter contacted me during Hallowe’en to say Marta would be gone as from then, he could assure me because he knew, and this was the last time Kelly’s resistance would be put to the test. He said the link with Marta was in its final stage of being broken, and would be complete if I said goodbye to young Daisy, and called back the host Caitlin using the name she knew me by - the Bartender. Daisy and I said sad farewells 2 months ago, and little Kate aged 5 came through. I was told by Peter to protect her as she was the key, but all she seemed able to do was say ‘I want my mom, where my dad?’ or ‘I want to play.’

Kate did seem to be the means to regaining contact with Caitlin. Believing that this was the required development, I adjusted my schedule one morning when Caitlin emailed. Kelly held the fort since Caitlin gave up a few months before.But Kelly now seemed to be disintegrating, no longer containing things she had taken in her stride, no longer having any energy or fight, except to harangue me for not having instant solutions to her problems ad infinitum. Previously she was considerate and undemanding. Kelly used to be magnetic, in difficulty herself yet drawing in people wherever she went. I was curious how such a situation had arisen around her, with months of harassment and degradation from Marta on top of cult activities, and the years of control.

Rights And Wrongs

I wanted to see Kelly have a better life. I wanted to feel that other women should not go through the same things, in that locality and other places too. I believe changes can be made in understanding, and then put into practice. Plenty of work has been done by others, more detailed and academic than I can put forward. Many therapists have given up this kind of work publicly but their accounts are available.

My involvement with Kelly as the main adult persona, was due to my strong belief that no-one should presume to control someone else’s life, including their thoughts, beliefs, and activities. The person with proprietary rights over a life is that person, although other people influence them to a degree, hopefully with mutual consent. People should have free will and choices, as much as possible within the normal constraints of life. Call me Madame Human Rights, I do not mind one bit.

Clearly, people at the top end of cults think oppositely. Often people at the bottom have no idea about the purported or actual ideology, or of hidden agendas belying the public face. The main problem is double standards, made more dubious when drugs, hypnosis, or similar altered states of consciousness, are utilised to render unfortunate people unaware of basic things in their lives, including rights or reason.

How can you control your life if someone blots out chunks deliberately, adding in parts that simply are not true, or can be manipulated to suit their insidious purposes and fit any bill? How can people thus manipulated explain to police, other authorities or individuals, what has happened to them so that it is provable? Kelly frequently described a bad experience to me in detail, only to say a few days later it must have been a bad dream. Later she recalled the event.

This was clear when Kelly went to the hospital emergency room with a high fever and infection. Afterwards she recounted the minor operation she had that night, then later said it was a bad dream, even when asking why she was still wearing a hospital bracelet. Two days later she freaked in an email saying she now knew she went there and it was horribly real.

When I mentioned to Kelly that people who run the cult make mistakes, she replied simply that they pay other people to cover their mistakes. If you keep watching and noting, some of their methods and mistakes become apparent. It’s certainly hard to do anything about Z, if there’s no word or concept for Z. Look at Z in relation to human or animal behaviour, organisational or cultic behaviour, domineering partnerships, or whatever subject you know anything about, and it’s not hard to see how things can happen. That really is my point: There is a trend towards discounting accounts of ‘satanic’ ritual or cultic activity as purely urban myth, or some hysterical, at least emotional, reaction. You only have to read relevant historical or anthropological accounts to know that they have been done in the past. Why do we deny the possibility now?

Because learned people insist that it's the only way to think logically or you're a Dumbo. And because sadly, mistakes have been made during some types of therapy that encourage people to believe more happened to them than really did. Both they and their families suffer the consequences needlessly. We can improve things all round by being more open, and looking at more linked areas, like how people make false confessions to crimes they could not have committed.

People may cite examples of attempts to examine some ritual abuse cases, with a tagline of ‘There is no evidence’. Cases may be chosen selectively, and there are things we never get to hear about or have a chance of examining. Please don’t just fall for the tagline. More is at stake than palpable, universally acceptable evidence. What evidence is accepted by both sides in a court of law, or to everyone whose lives are touched by the case? Someone can come up with a different tale to account for things to shed doubt, and that would be someone with a vested interest, personal or professional.

I am not so concerned about people whose lives have never been touched by these injustices and cannot be expected to worry over them. We don't want a situation where people read about things and think it happened to them when it did not. These things do not touch everyone, and most people have their own lives to lead, their own issues, looking towards areas to provide sufficient answers or meaning for them. That is life, for those left alone to live it without the troubles described in 'the Book'.

Christmas Wishes

‘Merry Christmas and Merry Winter (ha ha ha) Lucy hope you have a nice and peaceful holiday time and a fantastic New Year (ha ha ha).’ An email came from Marta addressed to myself just before Christmas.

‘Hello Nolly,’ I wrote. ‘I thought you should know that Marta sent me an email wishing me Merry Christmas. It must be her idea of a joke. How are things? What time shall we talk on MSN over Christmas?’ I received no reply from her. As far as I could tell, she dipped in and out of Kelly’s consciousness, more out than in when Kelly was distressed or self-destructive.

When Daisy sent me a distressed email on Christmas eve saying she was worried about Christmas night, I replied that she should make sure no-one answered any knocks at the door, and to email me if anyone came so we could handle it together. Christmas day and night came and went and I heard nothing. I thought back to a year when Kelly was online on Christmas day when the cult came knocking, but she avoided going. Later that week she dropped into our chat almost casually ‘Marta didn’t get me Christmas day, she got me Boxing day instead.’

One January when Kelly seemed clear of the cult and Marta, she sent me some awful drawings. When I asked, she had no awareness of them, but I had caught her unawares after a cult meeting, and she was able to say what happened, which was rare. I knew then that I had been under a false impression about her safety. While I thought she was busy with her ordinary employment during the day, she was also ‘getting taken’ at night, after speaking to me.

Kelly's children were with her during weekends, but in the week were living nearer to their school with her ex-husband, who probably did not know of the cult activity. She had little awareness of her life in the week, but someone else knew up-to-date changes regarding the children. Marta’s knowledge faltered latterly with her arriving at Kelly’s door on nights the children were there. She would smile brightly and say ‘See you next week.’ Small point maybe, but a big one too. Even cult leaders and controllers have to work on information to hand.

Marta could not resist goading me before doing something relating to Kelly, as if that was part of her game plan. If she could believe she was in control, she thought she would achieve her aims, like superstition. Several times I came online in the middle of the night because of Marta’s goading, and was able to prevent her taking advantage of Kelly. Once Marta sent me a strange email saying that Lammas was on its way, and hopefully she would bring her plans into effect, but that it was hard to regain people’s confidence. So she wasn’t all mouth and bombast, and had doubts about her effectiveness like the rest of us.

An email from Marta to Kelly said ‘The only reason this hasn’t worked yet is because of your friend Lucy.’ In other words, the cult/Marta knew that sooner or later they could control circumstances to render Kelly unable to extricate herself, but anyone intervening was a spanner in the works. Another email from Marta arrived on my mobile when I was away from home and could do nothing: ‘Kelly has come to me of her own free will. And we will look after her as if she is our own.’ That was a Marta-type false alarm. If Kelly had knowingly chosen to throw in her lot with Marta and give me the go-by I'd accept that, but not while Kelly was kept in the dark and unaware of so much involving her.

I believed that covert harassment was going on, in a way that I could not openly challenge Marta. Kelly’s phone wires were cut through. There were police cars cruising by, which spooked Kelly because of conditioning to be scared of police and run straight to Marta. I believed Marta was sending subtle triggers to Kelly via emails or IM messages, and imagery to make her think bad things would happen.

What I hoped, apart from Marta and the cult leaving Kelly alone and her making a good recovery, was that external dynamics would intervene to change things, properly and in lasting manner. A range of people in all walks of life were involved in the cult. A range of people with some awareness of what was going on, in some measure supported Kelly. I hoped some of the problems would be revealed and prevented from happening. One day my pipedream will come true, not just for Kelly and others in the immediate environment, but more generally and in other areas. There are many people working in this field who do not make themselves known for their own reasons. ‘The Book’ is for them too.


I received frantic distressed emails from Daisy after the immediate Christmas period. I felt something had happened but Daisy seemed unwilling to stay on MSN, saying she was upset and crying. ‘Are you there on your own?’ I asked.

‘Yes aunti, me is. Kelly gone now. Her was too sad, like Caitlin me think.’ On a couple of occasions, Daisy was left alone in the system with no adults present. The idea seemed to be Marta’s hope that Daisy would not cope alone, and be the end of it all. When Kelly returned the robot said it had not been expected I could get Kelly back. ‘I never thought you could do that again’ he'd say. But who is kidding whom, because the saga went on for years in this fashion.

Daisy and I discussed how our Christmas arrangements for communicating had not worked. I felt that a cult-loyal part of Kelly’s personality was stopping Daisy’s emails to me and deleting mine, making her uncomfortable about saying anything I could make sense of. ‘No aunti,’ replied Daisy. ‘Only me here and some littles. No bads now.’

‘OK Daisy,’ I wrote. ‘I don’t want you to worry about this, because I’m writing it for someone else, so you just ignore it.’

I then addressed some choice words to the ‘protectors’, as I had around Hallowe'en. I felt there was someone with a watching brief and a longterm role regarding the cult, with useful knowledge or abilities. The last time I heard from them was a brief email on a night when Kelly was freaking and sending multi-emails to me. A ‘protector’ had cut into the stream saying ‘Just ignore her. I will try to stop this.’ And it did stop the flow.

Now I challenged the ‘protectors’ directly that they were not doing their job if harmful things were happening to Kelly and Daisy but we could pull together. There was nothing in reply. ‘Its no good aunti’ wrote Daisy. ‘Me crying. You say you know wots happening. So now you know, right.’ Actually I did not know – I only thought I did. The problem was that Daisy could not express the nature of what happened, merely that I was not around when she desperately needed me one night.

Daisy and I would fix times to chat but shortly beforehand there'd be an email ‘No MSN aunti. Me no do MSN.’ Alter parts of Kelly’s personality used to bully Daisy for talking to me or gave her stomach ache, and I thought this was happening.

‘Daisy’ I replied to one of her emails. ‘I don’t like MSN much either, so we can just do emails if you want. But what I'd really like to know is who or what is stopping you.’ For a sassy 5-year old alter, Daisy was holding her own well and asking me challenging questions, but there was no reply.

After my challenging the ‘protectors’ with no joy, during a lull in Daisy’s conversation I typed a line asking if anyone else was there wanting to talk. It seemed to pay off, because someone typed a line on the screen ‘Who are you?’ I replied ‘Hi, it’s me Lucy. What do I call you?’

‘Do I know you? Can I trust you?’ came the reply.

‘Well I always say don’t trust people who say You can trust me’ I wrote. This response had got me into difficulties with another alter, who immediately thought I was saying she should not trust me.

‘I don’t know who I am,’ she wrote. ‘Have I got children?’

‘Do you have any idea how old you are?’ I asked. ‘Ummmm, Umm. About 3 or 4 days’ she wrote. ‘But this body looks fairly old and thin, very thin.’

‘I see. Well what name can I call you by?’ I said. ‘You make one up for me. I don’t know’ she answered.

‘How about Kylie?’ This was getting weird, because I had considered calling Kelly by the name Kylie for ‘the Book’ but did not get around to changing it. ‘I’ll try to remember that’ she said. ‘I never saw a computer before. I just found it. Are you on it much?’ Kylie seemed inquisitive and intelligent, like Kelly but more determined.

Kylie revealed a shocking incident that happened over Christmas. It was Kylie who had woken up afterwards on the couch indoors. I let her talk and we did a further session, culminating in Daisy coming through again and my saying there was a new alter.

‘Me know aunti. Her block the door now’ said Daisy. I could not blame Kelly for disappearing. I wondered about this new adult alter who came here to such a terrible experience, and fought back, kicking biting and scratching but not strong enough to prevent it.

On previous occasions there had been a temporary arrival who shouted people down or handled things on the home front. After some thought, I sent Kylie a brief email outlining her immediate family, and the name people were likely to call her by, Kelly.

New Year Follies

‘I don’t think Kylie will stay’ reported Nolly when I raised hopes that perhaps, in the newly arrived personality, there would be strength and tenacity for long enough to make a difference. Kelly, the person I had known through thick and thin, and Caitlin the host-person, had been through so much that they had virtually given up, leaving young Daisy, and Nolly who did some interpreting. Kelly and Caitlin dipped in and out infrequently, and Kelly had not been in touch for 2 weeks.

Daisy said the cable TV was disconnected because the bill had not been paid, there were stacks of messages on the answerphone, and changes were happening which Kelly knew nothing about. Nolly asked whether I could do anything to encourage Kelly back. Generally I preferred not to call on alter parts who had retreated from trauma, but there was no-one to do simple tasks or who knew what was happening with immediate family.

I asked Daisy if she knew how to contact Kelly and bring her back. She said I should write a page to add to Kelly’s own writings, but I said that would take time and I could not do it just now. She got huffy. ‘She is telling you that she needs a bath herself’ interpreted Nolly.

‘OK, I will try,’ I wrote. ‘Daisy, do you want to get a bath while I stay online, or I can come back later’ I wrote. ‘She is being stubborn’ said Nolly. I tried again with Daisy ‘There’s nothing stopping you having a bath, so I will wait for you, ok?’ ‘K aunti’ came the reply.

We hoped Kelly might put in an appearance. She tended to do this during ordinary chat if things felt safe enough. Daisy and I chatted some more, and suddenly there was a ‘Hi’ which looked like Kelly.

‘Hi, how are you? We haven’t spoken for a while. I was wondering if you were OK’ I wrote.‘You just haven’t been online’ wrote Kelly. I knew she had been writing to people on email groups, though not in the past week.

‘I may not be here for long’ came from Kelly. I did not want to press her and tried to keep things rolling. I told her about things happening in her family mentioned in the phone messages, and suggested she might listen to some. She seemed more like her old self although distant.

‘Sec’ wrote Kelly. ‘There’s someone in my yard.’

It was Daisy who came back to the computer. Kelly had disappeared. ‘Aunti, someone in our yard. But cat no go window. Him go to window if nother cat in yard.’

‘You can stay indoors tonight and look out the window at the yard in the morning, to see if it’s OK’ I suggested.

‘K, aunti. Me scard.’ I knew the door to their home was still blocked with a huge box, and hoped things would be safe enough for now.

The More It Changes

The French have a neat phrase to describe how things stay pretty much the same, even when they change a lot. Whenever Kelly got hopeful about her situation changing for the better, or I if did on her behalf, there seemed a prompt reaction in her immediate environment. There is much said on the subject of life changes having to come from within. That's fine as a theory, so long as the outside is not so extreme, intrusive or violent.

On the night Kelly returned after an absence and there were noises in her yard which caused her to vanish again, I received an email from Marta which I regarded as facetious. On a whim I sent a jokey reply including her married and maiden names, that she had changed her job, and that I was no problem if she left Kelly alone according to the Deals. Marta lived in cuckooland thinking no-one could know anything. Next day Kelly was using phrases that I wrote to Marta.

‘Wake up soon, please.’ There was a frantic email from Nolly the ‘interpreter/protector’. I was a couple of hours later picking it up. ‘Kelly is packing right now, to go and stay with that woman. She has no phone number for her just an address. It’s a 2 to 3 day drive and she’s not well. She should not go.’ wrote Nolly. ‘But if I stay here talking to you she can’t go, right?’

‘OK, I see what you mean.’ I was wondering how things could change so much so quickly, over and over like shifting sands. Kelly had not eaten in weeks, and was finding it hard to drink because of a sinus infection. I doubted her car had been serviced in months, and the roads were thick with ice. I was concerned she might not get a good reception if she did arrive at the other end, because of the other person’s family commitments and simply not expecting Kelly. I could not blame Kelly for wanting to escape.

‘Aunti, me no want to leave’ wailed Daisy. ‘And ders noises in yard all night.’ I was worried what might happen if Kelly left the house and there was someone hanging around.

‘There’s no rush to leave, is there? And that woman isn’t expecting you and she has family there. We can chat on MSN another day and sort things out.’ I hardly believed that but a major mishap might be avoided. There were no emails in reply to my last ones, and I did not know whether Kelly had left for a long trip or something else happened. I set my mobile phone to receive email alerts and all was quiet until 10pm the following night.

‘Aunti, me still here’ wrote Daisy from their usual email address rather than the Hotmail one they used when away from home. ‘Hi Daisy, how are you? You still at home?’ I replied. I asked some direct questions in an attempt to avoid 20 emails from Daisy.

‘Me take pills last nite, stop Kelly going away in car. Me just wake up aunti.’ I emailed a couple of replies to Daisy that we would chat on MSN the following day, and things went quiet.

I was concerned at these constant crises where I put in time and energy precluding other commitments, and things there did not improve or change. But it was important to keep a track of dynamics where I could. Chunks of time passed without my being told or being able to guess what was happening. Now I was closer to more things. Kelly was more aware too, and what she did not know, Daisy or Nolly often shed light on.

If Kelly embarked on a cross-country drive, I would be on stand-by for MSN day or night. I could not leave her alone and vulnerable on a long trek. She was generally not dependent on me in anything like the measure she had been, but I felt she would need to touch base.

It was still a strange dynamic to me as an outsider, that when Kelly was away from home, there was no-one like Daisy or Nolly to use the computer to say what was happening. That sounds obvious or stupid, but I kept hoping for background or anything to give me a clue. It helped me to know when I might be called upon, or in what ways I might do something. It was frustrating when I missed a frantic email, or I replied but it went nowhere because no-one read it. Sometimes we seemed to make progress, but that happened less and less.

I did not always assess things correctly although had plenty of background experience with Kelly which helped as a framework to peg things onto. I no longer had the insatiable curiosity that I had in early days of contact, when everything was an enigma because it did not much fit what other people wrote about. Perhaps one day we will all know more where this was leading. At least there will be more discussion points and things to think around, questions to ask and things that can be done.

New Deal On The Table

‘Why are there footprints all round my door?’ asked Kelly 2 weeks after New Year. ‘My children saw them and they want to know.’

‘I think you will have to tell them it was someone leaving a catalogue, Avon, Kleeneze, whatever you have there that sounds plausible’ I replied.

Kelly had mentioned missing time since Christmas, and this could mean she was switching, some of the alter personalities in her small DID system slipping in and out while Kelly took a back seat. It provided respite from things happening in her life while other parts dealt with the situation in their way. I tried to re-cap some of my own involvement in a way that would not be too threatening for her, but would encourage her to take more charge of her security and that of her children.

‘I think you need to get a new lock for your main door,’ I began.

Nolly had told me someone with a spare key had entered Kelly’s home while she was actually there, but Kelly had shut this whole episode out, despite severe bruising and other telltale signs. ‘I can’t afford another one’ Kelly protested, and I worried this could lead to further trouble for her. There had already been an incident during a recent cult date and I'd come online in the middle of the night. That time the door was blocked with a heavy box, but people stood banging the door, honking a car horn and playing triggering music designed to get Kelly out of the house. And left their footprints . . .

‘There are some things I should explain’ I began. ‘First I had emails from Marta saying the usual stuff about how useless I am. That is her way of saying she is up to something. Then something happened Boxing Day, then something after New Year. They definitely did not get in the second time because the door was jammed. But I think you need to make it clear to the cult to leave you alone.’

‘I don’t know anyone in the cult though, only Marta’ replied Kelly.

‘I thought once before you wrote a letter to someone in the cult saying you wanted to be left alone, and you left a copy with a lawyer.’ This was in the early days of knowing Kelly. She replied ‘Ya, but I don’t now.’

‘Then I believe you need to explain to Marta that the cult has to leave you alone. You need to stop it particularly while the kids are staying with you now.’ Kelly had her children for a 2-week period. ‘And there’s something else, about you taking some vows of silence, poverty and stuff, almost like a nun. I don’t believe you knew what you were agreeing to, and you need to tell the cult you retract them.’

‘Is that why I’m always poor and can’t work?’ asked Kelly. There had been times when she managed a few months’ work but not recently.

‘Probably it has something to do with it. There were other vows about being tortured and having a hard time. People must not come to your home any more.’ I considered things could escalate back to Kelly having cult involvement, and Marta carrying on with the conditioning, hypnosis and personal abuse of Kelly that had gone on for years.

‘You want me to send an email to Marta?’ asked Kelly.

‘I don’t know that email is the answer, and things will need some thought, but I feel you should know what I’m aware of, or it leaves you vulnerable. You need to control things from there’ I replied. I had not minded coming online to prevent Kelly going to a cult event I knew about. I could not be on standby generally through the night. There was sometimes a problem with email alerts to my mobile and the service was being stopped altogether.

Kelly was cooking a meal for her children and popping in and out of the room while we chatted.

‘OK, I sent it to Marta with a copy to you. Have a look’ she wrote. I checked and saw a brief succinct email addressed to Marta saying that Kelly wanted to retract any agreements she may have made to her and the cult, and that Marta should not send anyone else to her home or Kelly would tell anyone who would listen. Marta's reply arrived by return, agreeing the Deal because Kelly had already caused her problems.

‘You don’t hang around when you decide something, do you?’ I wrote to Kelly. ‘It is short and to the point, good.’ We chatted about other things, children’s schools, homework, all the things Kelly had on her mind without what I had just burdened her with. I felt guilty, but sensed that the time had now come for Kelly to act, to save herself from something larger and more insidious than most of us can imagine impinging on our lives, or ruling it completely.

Marta communicated with me that I also must say nothing about her. I did not agree to this or to any other request. Her attitude was that no-one would believe my word, as an Internet contact of a mentally disturbed person, i.e. Kelly. I replied that I had kept Marta’s emails to me, and heard no more for a while. (You are now reading the outcome of Marta clearly not sticking to her previous Deal, or to this one.)

It’s hard to understand how someone like Kelly, who sometimes had such a clear head and brave determination, could have been fooled by Marta and the cult for so long. I believe there are reasons stemming back many years, but also a great deal of time and effort was put in to maintain control. Sometimes Kelly got glimmers of it, but without another person to act as a sounding board, she could not see enough of the picture to make changes. Later I learned that the cult sometimes ramped up the controls, via harassment, when Kelly defaulted on a meeting or opposed someone significant.

Emails from Nolly

‘I’m sorry, I lied to you. I don’t know why I did that’ came a late night email from Nolly, the part of Kelly’s personality who intervened to explain things that Kelly could not, or I failed to grasp. I replied that I felt something was happening without knowing what, and it did not matter if Nolly tried to fob me off. When Kelly said ‘I am fine’ I joked that she meant the opposite. When Kelly was deeply reluctant to talk it was likely that Marta was involved.

Nolly explained that she thought Daisy knew more than Kelly or Nolly, but Daisy said she didn’t. Daisy was an enigma because she was acting in a double-sided manner as she had before. She was ostensibly co-operative, yet something seemed to be happening underneath and opposite. No conversations or questions shed any light, and Kelly and I lost touch for a week. She was contributing short messages on email groups where people seemed supportive, but Daisy dropped hints that people were telling Kelly what to do with her life and upsetting her. Could this be why I thought Marta was in touch, simply because other people had a controlling role? The effect was very similar.

‘Aunti’ came an email from Daisy. ‘Kelly reely upset. They tell her what to do and she in bad place now.’ I thought Daisy was using a phrase to express that Kelly was upset, but was puzzled why contact was through the Hotmail account. ‘Why are you using Hotmail?’ I asked. Although I was trying to cut down on getting drawn into dramas, I was home and feeling uneasy so it was no time to be arbitrary. I signed in.

‘Helo’ appeared on the screen from Daisy. ‘Kelly in bad place.’ ‘Hi Daisy, are you ok? Are you home?’ I wrote.

‘N.’ ‘Ok. Are you at Pete’s?’ This was Kelly’s ex-husband.

‘N.’ ‘Are you using a laptop?’

‘N, aunti.’ ‘Are you on that street Kelly used to live on?’

Another ‘N’. I was not sure where Kelly and Daisy were and was concerned they might be with Marta and there would be some showdown.

‘Is someone there a threat to you?’ I asked. ‘Y/N’ came the reply.

‘Can you put them online?’ ‘Sec,’ then ‘No aunti. It’s Kelly, she no want to talk to you’ came Daisy’s reply after a long pause. I felt they were in a house they had visited before. Daisy said she wanted to leave and I talked about finding the door and walking to the car, but just then she said someone was coming. I heard no more until emails arrived from their usual email address saying they were home.

It was Daisy talking, and a pattern emerged which filled in some blanks about the last month or two. It seemed that two women on the email group were vying for Kelly’s attention, trying to block each other out of communication with her. They were also both trying to stop Kelly talking to me, which sounded like cult behaviour. Each was giving Kelly lists of instructions or rules for her life. The general outcome was that Kelly turned in on herself. She now discouraged her children from visiting on their usual days.

‘Do you want to get a hot drink?’ I asked. ‘Plese aunti’ said Daisy. ‘Can I hav a bath, wil you wait? If me going to die today, me want a bath.’ I wondered what I missed, not only on this occasion but others when I was not around to catch nuances, or things had happened which I only heard about if they were on Kelly or Daisy’s mind. I could in no way blame them for excising things from memory. In the days of Marta, attempts were made by her to excise their memories too.

When Daisy returned she talked about other people Kelly knew. She drew a picture like a sociogram with various people around the edge, all surrounding Kelly who was being overwhelmed. She described visions Kelly was having, egged on by some of these people. ‘Daisy, I asked you before, but do you think some of these people are still in a cult?’ I wrote.

‘Me no know aunti’ came her reply.

‘Ok, well some of them have been, and maybe they are still hurting and doing things like what happened to them,’ I ventured. ‘That’s why they tell Kelly what to do.’

‘Well Brenda got a cult doll, dat cries over the phon to Kelly. It upsets her me think’ wrote Daisy.

‘How do you mean? I thought Kelly did not use the phone’ I said. Kelly had a fear of the phone and let the answerphone pick up. Also Brenda was long distance and Kelly’s phone was barred from making long distance calls.

‘Well dat Brenda tell Kelly to get phon card for long distance. And her tell Kelly to answer dat phone and she dos’ Daisy explained.

‘Does Brenda tell Kelly not to have her kids home these days too?' I asked.

‘Me think aunti.’ Things were beginning to fall into place, but everything was so different from the day before, the week before, all the things I had ever known with Kelly.

‘What doll?’ I was trying to find out what I could while I had a chance and information was flowing. ‘It bees cult doll aunti. It cry down phone and upset Kelly.’

‘And that’s Brenda’s doll, right?’

‘Yes, it sits on her puter’ said Daisy.

Why does someone who claims to have left a cult, have a doll like that on her computer, and use it to scare another ex-cult member like Kelly, who is trying her very hardest to cope with life, having taken the big step of breaking away?

In the past Kelly got involved with someone who told her to do all the things Marta said, like an echo of Marta encouraging self-destructive behaviour. I was a voice in Kelly’s other ear encouraging her to think for herself and not do things she felt were wrong. It's as if a perpetual fight is being waged within the survivor. Sometimes one wonders if it is kinder to ease up for a while. But I took my cues from Kelly, and what she wanted or felt she could withstand.

On that occasion the person tried to ingratiate herself with me, buzzing me on MSN. She was on email lists for people helping cult ritual survivors and I believed she triggered vulnerable people. It seemed her given role on behalf of the cult, and eventually she did not get away with it. Others tried similar ploys, promising Kelly a safe home with welfare benefits hundreds of miles away, which meant for ever with no chance of leaving. They too tried to get me off the scene. Sounds familiar? Sounds like a dangle to see how far Kelly might take the bait, and then reel her back in again. Why? Your guess is fine.

I believe it is possible for survivors to break away from cults, but it is hard going, and sometimes it does not happen completely the first time around. It helps if people have someone to support them, to maintain a belief in them as human beings while they gradually piece some of it together. The cult, as a kind of self-perpetuating entity, gains strength through the involvement of those doing what they can to help people like Kelly, as if it is simply more grist to their mill, more bang for their buck.

Some people believe that those seeking help with cult experiences are likely still to be involved in cult activity, without being consciously aware. It’s hard to generalise but it is worth bearing in mind. Despite Kelly’s trust in me and her need for help, she asked questions which I can only describe as tracking me down, so that the cult might damage my reputation as happened to others. Sometimes she said that a question popped into her head and she just had to ask. Even Nolly did this, or would get involved in scare-mongering, or parroting a party-line that I knew could not be true.

Several times during this last MSN chat I tried to engage Nolly’s attention. Often she did not come through on MSN but emailed saying I'd called for her. This time Kelly’s tired and distracted voice came through, as if it was overlaying Daisy’s. ‘I’m sorry’ she said into the mic. ‘I don’t know this Nolly.’

‘That’s ok’ I wrote. ‘Sometimes she helps Daisy out.’ ‘Well I don’t know her. I don’t feel well. I have to go.’ Kelly was gone.

I often wondered how Kelly seemed to know when she would be in danger. Theoretically she should not be in danger now. The Deals were made, and I made it clear to Marta that I was holding a watching brief on whether she or anyone contacted Kelly. So long as Kelly was left alone, I said, I was no threat for Marta.

‘Aunti’ came another Daisy email. ‘Wot happen if dat door knoc in nite? We exchanged emails as I tried to ascertain if that was happening, culminating in Daisy opening up ‘Wel aunti, dat dor knoc, peple gon now. Kelly have visions she got to driv dat car. Me scard now.’

Kelly knew at some level that tonight was crucial. Visions were a feature for Kelly, sometimes natural, but often due to post-hypnotic suggestion from a previous event, or instigated via a cue in a phone message or email. There is a possibility which readers may not give credence to, that someone could induce a state in Kelly where she was receptive to projected images.

Someone Kelly was chatting to outside of their email group had primed Kelly towards certain states of mind. Then someone else, Marta or someone connected to her or the cult, tried to capitalise by gaining access to Kelly unawares, and when they thought I was nowhere accessible. I mention these incidents and thoughts, in case anyone else is puzzled by things happening around them or to someone they know. They won’t be identical, but it was strange how often similar ploys and themes arose. I suggest you look at the dynamics near and far, and work out what seems likely. Then you may find ways to foil some of them. But always take care for yourself too.

‘I know what might have triggered Marta, would you like to know?’ came a midnight email from Nolly, who generally seemed reliable apart from natural errors. ‘Hello, yes please. I would appreciate any information or ideas you have’ I replied. Nolly was usually quite formal and I tended to reply in kind. The situation had been unusually quiet at my end, and there were few clues to Kelly’s welfare, although she was clearly in physical pain and not well. She seemed to have lost all hope of improvement, was seeing less of her children and throwing out their toys. She communicated with me directly only when it really seemed it was ‘the end’ and she was desperate for anything.

Daisy, the normally perky 5-year old alter with a protective role, had become strange and sarcastic towards me as if she had been got at. Interspersed with emails from Daisy that someone in the system was writing emails in Kelly’s name, were instructions that I should not call her Daisy as she was a regression of Kelly. I wondered who was accessing Daisy or others, what had been said and why. It could have been Marta, or an alter personality that she introduced to replace others that had vanished.

Daisy was adamant that Kelly was not writing some of the emails, and Kelly now knew it was happening. I demonstrated how easy it was to do if you had someone’s password, and I knew both Marta and someone on the email group had it. The subject matter of the emails did not seem sensational or controversial, but I recalled the original robot writing a similar email to me. When I replied to Kelly thinking it was from her, he got angry saying I'd ruined everything as she was not meant to know.

I now replied to Daisy that I thought this had something to do with Marta who first tried this with the robot, then something else, and now she was writing them or getting Kelly to write them. I could not see rhyme or reason but it was similar to before, an attack from within. The reasons why remained to reveal themselves. Meanwhile I would try to stay in contact with Kelly without things becoming acrimonious or falling apart.

What gave a spark of hope was that Kelly came on MSN saying she did not feel like talking, though had some awareness of what was going on. Despite her pain, we discussed aspects of her situation more as we did in the old days. When we both put our minds to something we made progress. Indications were that it had not all gone under that bridge along with everything else.

What we needed now was a fair wind. They do happen sometimes, don’t they?